The "there-really-is-no-update" Update

I’ve told y’all before and I’ll tell y’all again: Joseph and I could not possible be more different.

• I am easy going, he is crazy.
• I am quiet and think before I speak, he has no filter. None.
• I listen to country while he listens to crap rap.
• I give everyone the benefit of the doubt, he is confident that he has everyone figured out in the first 2 minutes of meeting them.
• I am patient and always optimistic, he is impatient and admittedly a pessimist.

 …okay, perhaps I have us confused.

Yesterday was supposed to be our BIG day. I have been hanging my hat on this special day because it was supposed to be the day that we find out:

1. How much room they have to work with (if they go in and do surgery) before altering his speech/vision.
2. What the plan is going to be: a. cut “it” out or b. watch “it” and retest in 6 months.
3. Find out what “it” is.

 Yeah, that was what was supposed to happen. It didn’t.

The pessimist (yours truly) feels we are no closer than we were 3 weeks ago to knowing anything. The eternal optimist (J Mad) says I’m wrong.
  
Half empty, half full…
  
They had to do another functional MRI due to the fact that their software was broken. It got fixed this week and yesterday they redid (is that a word?) the MRI as well as the functional MRI. My poor man was in that tube for 3 hours! It took a long time because they had all sorts of people in there watching and learning since they don’t do many of these. One of the employees of the company that manufactures the software was even there. So while I think it’s terrible that they would do that to my man, he thinks it’s just great that others got to learn from his experience. Hmm, we really are different.

I digress.

While we are excited that we were able to get that done we are frustrated I am frustrated that Joseph was still unable to meet with the neurosurgeon. The doctor that he was supposed to meet with had a scheduling conflict so was unable to meet with J and is planning on doing a tele-conference with him next week. It is a bummer that they have to do it over the phone, but that is the only option since J will be in NYC for the next month. UGH. So frustrating.

At dinner last night, J was telling me all the positive ways to look at this. A.) The MRI showed that there had been no growth in the last 2 weeks. So whatever “it” is, is slow growing. B.) The functional MRI says that “it” isn’t near anything important. There are big words that J uses to explain this to me, but when he does all I hear is Charlie Brown’s teacher saying, “Whaaa-wha-whaaa-wha-wha-wha.” The two year old explanation I got (because that is about all I have the brain capacity for!) was that, “this would be like going and picking an apple off a tree.”

Had I known being a neurosurgeon was so simple, perhaps I would have been one. I can pick apples off trees.

And that, my friends, is the story. J will leave tomorrow for a month and I have no idea what will happen when he gets home. And I am really sad about it all. Really sad. I’m frustrated we have no answers and I’m sad that my man is going to NYC. It’s hard here without him. On all of us.

BUT, we are thankful that we can call him, Sykpe and that, God willing, he will be home in a month.

All we have is today anyway, right? And today we are blessed.

Random picture that brings me JOY!

Lily Kate looking at Luke.  He's totally unaware that this girl things he is the greatest thing in the world.  Lucky for her, he feels the same way!

Anyway, control is an illusion

I had a meltdown today. 
A pretty big one. 
Definitely some ugly cryin' going on at the Mad House.
I'm just so frustrated.

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I remember the first time that I was called a control freak.  It was about 10 years ago and it was by someone who I love like a Dad.  I completely balked at the idea that I, Sab-not-yet-Mad, the free-spirited girl, was a control freak.

He was right.

I didn't know it then, but I was/am a type A control freak.  It wasn't full-blown then, but by the time I got married and had Caleb, it was.  As the years have passed, I have gotten better, but am not cured.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I think that God is working on the cure.

Joseph had that Functional MRI last week and it was supposed to get read this week.  Well, Monday was a holiday, Tuesday the neuroradiologist was out (and apparently he is the only one who can read it), Wednesday he was really behind from the 4 day weekend and today we found out that it was done incorrectly and has to be done again.  On Monday.  So yeah, we were supposed to have a lot of information by tomorrow (Friday).  We will have none.

That was crushing news to me.  Totally crushing.  Love is supposed to leave in a few weeks to go to NYC for a month.  I'm okay with him leaving me and the kids, if I can prepare myself.  But I can't do that if I have no idea what will be happening in the next couple of weeks.  This type A control freak can hardly handle that.

I'm supposed to go to Colorado for 6 days for a yoga training at the beginning of October.  $700 paid, trip planned, childcare arranged...but I don't know if I will get to go because I have no idea what will be happening in the next couple of weeks.  This type A control freak can hardly handle that.

I feel totally helpless.  Out of control.  And I hate that feeling.  HATE.IT.

So, when I feel out of control what do I do?  Well normally I:

• Workout - Not cleared by the doctor yet for that
• Run - Definitely NOT cleared for that
• Steam clean carpets - tried that, but it causes pain in the area where my stitches are, so that isn't an option
• Eat - well, I'm trying really hard not to turn to that comfort..

Yeah, I'm out of options.

And I think that's right where God wants me.  I know that's right where God wants me.  Completely out of options, but Him.  In total surrender.

Mercy that.is.so.hard.

So I'm laying in bed, sobbing, crying out in anger at God.  That prayer where all I can say is, "I am so mad at you God" over and over.  I don't even want to pray, but I have no other options.

And I think that's right where God wants me. I know that's right where God wants me. Completely out of options, but Him. In total surrender.

Love comes in our room, holds me and he prays for me.  As he starts, I'm still telling God that I am angry at Him.  Then somewhere in that prayer, I stop sobbing, am no longer angry and have total peace.  That peace that you get when you surrender.

I think I'm right where God wants me.  Actually, I know I am.

Today I discovered...

1. It's so much fun to drive in the rain with your windows down.  The kids love it!  Car may get a little wet, but it's just water...right?  Oh, and driving the car in circles in the cul-de-sac, 20 times, will make the kids laugh with glee, but it will also make everyone in the car super dizzy.  Including the driver.
2. If you're stuck in the pick up lane at school for a ridiculous amount of time, listen to the Cure, Pearl Jam and Eddie Vedder, and sing at the top of your lungs.  Makes time go by faster.  People may look at you oddly because the music is blaring and the windows are down in the pouring rain, but I think it's 'cause they are jealous.
3. Your kids will first look at you crazy when you strip off your clothes and run out the door to play in the rain and jump in the puddles, but then they will join you.  Then the neighbors will look at you crazy.
4. Studying at Starbucks is hard when you are eavesdropping on a couple trying to define their relationship.
5. If you want to be depressed, you should watch back-to-back episodes of Hoarders.
6. If you want to laugh hysterically you should look up Seinfeld & Scrub quotes.  Those shows crack me up!
7. Picking my kids up from school in my pajama's embarrasses them.
8. If I don't go to the gym I have a lot more time on my hands to get things done.  But somehow I seem to get less done. 
9. If you eat nothing but cheesecake and corn bread all day, by 8:12pm you want to throw up.
10. Life goes on and normal can be redefined.  SO thankful!

Hard times are inevitable

For years the prayer of my heart has been, “Lord, show me your glory. I want to see your face.”

But if I am honest with myself, I really only half-heartedly pray that. Because the truth is that while I want to see the glory of God, I’m petrified of how He will reveal Himself .

I’ve had hard times in life. Really hard times. Attempted suicide, drug addictions, physical abuse and more…my closet is dark and deep. I know what it feels like to feel hopeless and lost. So lost.

Then found. He found me. Well, I guess that isn’t true because he always knew where I was. I guess I found my way back to Jesus. It wasn’t easy, but it was sweet and quiet and hopeful and gentle. I spent a year away from everyone and anyone familiar and in that time God put me back together. He showed me mercy, grace, forgiveness and…well, he showed me His glory.

But it came after such a hard, hard, hard time. And that is why when I pray, “Lord, show me your glory, I want to see you.” It’s so half-hearted. I’m so scared that before I see his glory, I will have to see hard times.

My life is amazing. My kids are terribly naughty, but gorgeous, smart and healthy. My marriage can be hard, but so worth it. My man married a newly mended mess and provided love and security in ways I never knew. Daily he blows me away with kindness. I’m healthy, happy and loved. Yeah, I don’t take this amazing life for granted. I know I’m blessed.

Last night I was rereading Exodus 33:18, where Moses cries out, “Show me your glory” and for some reason I had never noticed verse 22.

21 Then the LORD said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. 22 When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. 23 Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen."

Is that awesome? “…cover you with my hand until I have passed by.” God covers his people. God protects his people. Because God loves his people.

Hard times are going to be an inevitable part of my future. I live in a sinful world. Hard.times.are.inevitable. But, as one of my favorite people in the world reminded me, I don’t want to miss out on seeing God’s glory because I live in fear. I spent too much of my life running, hiding and protecting my heart out of fear. Perfect love casts out fear (1 John 4:18). God protects his people, because God loves his people.

Joseph had a brain tumor when he was 10 that had to be removed. The unofficial word on the street is that it’s back. He had a MRI a couple of weeks ago that showed growth in the area where his tumor was.  As a kid he had seizures from the tumor and lately he's been having auras.  He had a functional MRI last Friday and they also repeated the MRI. Those results will get read this week and we will talk to the Neurosurgeon this week too.

Hard times are inevitable.

But, God protects his people because he loves his people

Halfway there

Today officially marks the half way point to my six weeks of recovery from surgery. I can’t believe it has been 3 weeks. They have gone by very quickly.


Joseph started back on Monday. I was sad that he had to go back to work. I definitely could get used to having him around every day. He really was a-m-a-z-i-n-g through this whole thing. Just incredible. He did laundry, washed dishes, played with and took care of kids, waited on me, went to the gym daily and kept this place looking awesome. All that and did quite a few chores that needed to get done around here – painting furniture, trimming trees, changing oil, washing cars, steam cleaning carpets…really, need I go on?!

Yeah, I used to tell him all the time that if I fell off the face of the earth tomorrow, this place would fall apart.

I definitely can’t say that anymore.

I was wholeheartedly impressed. He’s a Rockstar!!!

I’m feeling better and stronger everyday. I honestly expected this recovery to take longer and be harder than it turned out to be. I went to see my plastic surgeon last week and she said everything looks fabulous. I agree. I couldn’t be happier with how the surgery turned out. Way better than I expected.

While I am feeling awesome most of the time, I’m definitely not ready to go back to working out yet. I still have 3 more weeks until I’m cleared for that and I definitely need those 3 weeks. I’m nervous to go back to CrossFit. Very nervous. I have a feeling I will get my booty kicked – hard.core. And that is something I’m not looking forward to.

Since I’m not a gym rat everyday, I have had to find things to do to keep myself busy. Have NO fear, sewing has taken my mind off the gym. Alert the media, I have learned how to gather fabric and now there is no stopping me. I’m also on a repurposing kick. Have you heard of it? I hadn’t until recently. Basically you take old clothing, furniture, whatever and make something new out of it. I made 2 new skirts for the Twinkies with some old workout tank tops that don’t fit me anymore. They turned out super cute, if I do say so myself. And I do. I’ll have to post some pictures soon.

What I have not been able to do yet, is steam clean my carpets. And it’s killing me. I know I will have arrived at full recovery when I am steam cleaning again. Oh, I can hardly wait for the day!