Thursday, September 09, 2010

Anyway, control is an illusion

I had a meltdown today. 
A pretty big one. 
Definitely some ugly cryin' going on at the Mad House.
I'm just so frustrated.

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I remember the first time that I was called a control freak.  It was about 10 years ago and it was by someone who I love like a Dad.  I completely balked at the idea that I, Sab-not-yet-Mad, the free-spirited girl, was a control freak.

He was right.

I didn't know it then, but I was/am a type A control freak.  It wasn't full-blown then, but by the time I got married and had Caleb, it was.  As the years have passed, I have gotten better, but am not cured.  Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I think that God is working on the cure.

Joseph had that Functional MRI last week and it was supposed to get read this week.  Well, Monday was a holiday, Tuesday the neuroradiologist was out (and apparently he is the only one who can read it), Wednesday he was really behind from the 4 day weekend and today we found out that it was done incorrectly and has to be done again.  On Monday.  So yeah, we were supposed to have a lot of information by tomorrow (Friday).  We will have none.

That was crushing news to me.  Totally crushing.  Love is supposed to leave in a few weeks to go to NYC for a month.  I'm okay with him leaving me and the kids, if I can prepare myself.  But I can't do that if I have no idea what will be happening in the next couple of weeks.  This type A control freak can hardly handle that.

I'm supposed to go to Colorado for 6 days for a yoga training at the beginning of October.  $700 paid, trip planned, childcare arranged...but I don't know if I will get to go because I have no idea what will be happening in the next couple of weeks.  This type A control freak can hardly handle that.

I feel totally helpless.  Out of control.  And I hate that feeling.  HATE.IT.

So, when I feel out of control what do I do?  Well normally I:
  • Workout - Not cleared by the doctor yet for that
  • Run - Definitely NOT cleared for that
  • Steam clean carpets - tried that, but it causes pain in the area where my stitches are, so that isn't an option
  • Eat - well, I'm trying really hard not to turn to that comfort..
Yeah, I'm out of options.

And I think that's right where God wants me.  I know that's right where God wants me.  Completely out of options, but Him.  In total surrender.

Mercy that.is.so.hard.

So I'm laying in bed, sobbing, crying out in anger at God.  That prayer where all I can say is, "I am so mad at you God" over and over.  I don't even want to pray, but I have no other options.

And I think that's right where God wants me. I know that's right where God wants me. Completely out of options, but Him. In total surrender.

Love comes in our room, holds me and he prays for me.  As he starts, I'm still telling God that I am angry at Him.  Then somewhere in that prayer, I stop sobbing, am no longer angry and have total peace.  That peace that you get when you surrender.

I think I'm right where God wants me.  Actually, I know I am.

5 comments:

Liana said...

What a beautiful post. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. I'm praying for you too.

Elizabeth said...

What beautiful words you wrote here. Even when things are hard, God gives that total peace we long for. You described it beautifully.

Jessi said...

Beautifully said. Praying that you continue to "let go" and surrender your fears, anxiety, anger, and feelings of helplessness...and be comforted in His peace. ((HUGS)) Praying that tomorrow is a peace-filled day.

Katie said...

I hear the control freak part because the older I get the more I realize I am a control freak...who knew? I am also getting more introverted. Anyhoo, I know that these next few weeks will be hard Sabrina and will be praying for you and your family. I just love you all so much!
gunther

Michele said...

You know your title said it all: Control is an illusion. Capital I illusion. Perhaps even an idol?? That is what God is teaching me about my need to control: Why am I clutching this idol? Surrender again tomorrow. The idol has claws and crawls back. And then the next day...surrender again. And again you can say with confidence that everyday you do that - surrender again - you are just where He wants you. And that place? Peace and Rest.