Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Only water refreshes

One of my favorite times of the day happens at 8:20 in the morning and is the time we are all in the car taking Caleb to school. (Lets make it clear that the time leading up to that is crazy busy. Getting all 4 kids dressed, fed and in the car by 8:10, exhausts me!) The boys are in the back chatting and laughing and the girls are in front of them babbling happily and eating dry cereal. It's such a sweet time - having all 4 of my babies with me.

When we arrive to school and are waiting in the drop off lane, I love hearing Caleb point out all his friends and Lukie is always so interested in hearing about them. As Caleb gets out of the car, I tell him I love him and say something about being a "light". "Go be a light in a dark world" or "Shine bright for Jesus" or something like that. Then the sisters and Luke all start yelling goodbye. Every morning. Same routine.

A couple of weeks ago, after dropping Caleb off and doing our normal morning routine, we were on our way home when Luke says, "Why do you tell Caleb to be a light?" I explain what it means to be a light and how God calls all of us to be lights. He was quiet for a moment and then said, "Why don't you tell me that when you take me to school?" Adorable child. I reminded him that when I drop him off at school he bolts out of the van to be with his friends and that he doesn't even hear me yelling, "I love you!" He replied, "Well, I want you to tell me to be a light." No problem, sweet boy. Nothing would bring me more joy!

Now, here is where I interject to tell you that I have really been having a hard time as a mom lately. Joseph has been gone a lot. Last month he was out of town and the couple months before that his hours have been terrible. This month is more of the same. He doesn't get to spend much time with the kids and he hates it, I hate and the kids really hate it. So, most of the stuff around here falls on my shoulders. It's really hard and I don't always do well. At all.

For the past couple of weeks I have felt like a failure at this calling I take more seriously than anything else - being a mama. I often feel like I am in a fire and instead of being refined, I am melting. I'm not the mom I want to be, I don't get the breaks I need to be the mom I want to be and we are in a very hard season in life. I feel empty, I feel dry, I feel overwhelmed and I feel like a failure.

And then I cry out to Jesus. Why is that always my last resort? And thank you Jesus that you don't get angry that I make you my last resort, but you wait patiently for my cry. And you pour ice cold water down this tired, parched mama's throat.

When Luke got off the school bus yesterday I was waiting for him on the porch. I asked him how his day was and he said good. Then he said, "I got a light."

I said, "Where did you get a light from?" He said, "No, I got a light."

"I heard, but what kind of light did you get?" I said.

He looks at me and says, "No, I got a light like you tell Caleb." Cold water starts pouring. "Oh," I said. "You were a light?"

"Yeah, I was a light today!"

Oh, sweet Jesus, thank you for those moments. Those are cold water, moments of grace that push this weary mama through. They remind me not to wait so long to call on you and they remind me that your grace is sufficient and you will fill in the gaps. The gaps left by my failures, Daddy's absence and lifes injustices. Your grace is more than sufficient for those gaps.

O God, you are my God;
I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you;
my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land
where there is no water.
~Psalm 63:1


Melonie said...

Thanks for sharing that. You refresh me with your honesty and inspire me to be a better mom. I have been feeling lately that I really suck at this whole mom/homemaker thing, even though there's nothing I'd rather be doing...I guess we all have plenty of those moments.

There is such a beauty in a daily "tradition" of reminding your child to be a light at school, and I realize that I haven't spent much time talking with Drake about the witness he is to Jesus while he's at school. Thanks for making me think!

Elizabeth said...

Sabrina, this is so beautiful, and something I could have written myself these last few months. They have been hard for both of us! But you know what? The fact that we even care about how we're mothering says a great deal about how valuable we are to our kids and what happens in our home. If we didn't care, well, then we should be worried.

It's so hard when we feel empty and dry, two very familiar places for me. Overwhelmed pretty much defines me right now. But our kids don't know it! Not as much as we think they do anyway. And Caleb being a little light makes me smile so big b/c it means you are teaching him to be just that! YOU are a light too, friend. A bright, glowing, beautiful one!

One more thing, I couldn't find the e-mail address you told me to use. But Marla Taviano is going to be in San Antonio next week and I wanted to make sure you know. She's doing her zoo trip, and even staying at my house when she's in Tulsa. I know you all love Sea World and she'll be there!

p.s. Would you believe that my word verification is "dying"? That's crazy.

Toby and Rebecca said...

Sabrina, what an awesome moment and such a sweet spirit in that handsome little Luke! I love the story and to get a glimpse into your morning routine!

They always saying busy is better than being bored but it sounds like you could use a little boredom! It will come... remember this is a season. As our dear friend Stacy put it at Bible study this week, there is light at the end of the tunnel...even though it is the dimmest light you have ever seen, there is light.

Apparently your light comes in the form of two little men that love their mama more than you know!

Emily said...

Thank you for giving us a glimpse of your REAL heart. I think of the man who said, "I do believe Lord; help me in my unbelief." Thank you for reminding me to cry out to Jesus and look for those refreshing moments. Love Love!!

Sab Mad said...

Thanks, friends, for all your encouraging and kind words. This mama needs affirmation more than she likes to admit!