Monday, December 06, 2010

He is able

Joseph had another MRI last week. It had been a couple of months since he had had one and he needs a recent one for his appointment at MD Anderson next week. I had prayed LOTS about the results.

And played out the results in my head.

I imagined that it would go something like this:

J: The results from the MRI are in…
Me: And….
J: It’s a miracle…. They don’t see anything. The doctors are completely mystified and called in every specialist they could think of to try to understand what happened and figure out where the tumor went. The only explanation they have is that this is a miracle from God!
Me: Praise God! Now everyone will know that God is powerful and answers prayers and miracles still happen!

Yep. That is how I played it out in my mind.
The reality looked more like this:

J: Got the MRI results back.
Me: And….
J: No change.
Me: Oh. (Starts to cry)
J: Hey, that’s good news. At least it isn’t growing.
Me: Yeah, I guess so.

God is able to heal.

God IS able to heal.

And that has been the prayer of my heart. I’ve asked quietly. Then a little louder. And then I cried out and begged. “Please, PLEASE heal my husband.”

His answer is no.
Or if you are an optimist his answer is “not right now”.

I’m not an optimist.

God is able to heal, but he won’t.
That is hard for me to type, much less say.

So this is where my faith is really tested. God says no. He knows the desire of my heart. And still says no.

Is it because he doesn’t love me?
Or because I don’t deserve it?
Is it because he doesn’t exist?
Or maybe it’s because he doesn’t care?
Why, Lord?
Do I need more faith?
Do I need to be a better person?
I asked. I prayed. Lots of people are praying.
Do you care?
Are you really there?
Do you really love me?
Do you really love me?

Yeah, this is where my faith is really in question.

Then my sweet little 6 year old Luke say this to me on the way to school this morning: “Jesus died on the cross so that we could go to heaven and that’s how God shows us His grace.”

He said that to me out of no where.
Because God wanted me to hear the most important truth that there is from the mouth of my 6 year old. Someone I tell “no” to all the time. Not because I don’t love him. Or because I don’t care. Or because he is bad.

BUT, because I love him.
And I care.
And I know more than him.

Hmmmm, does that sound familiar?

“Jesus died on the cross so that we could go to heaven and that’s how God shows us His grace.”

So if God never answers another one of my prayers, if he never chooses to heal my husband, isn’t the fact that he sent his son to die on the cross enough? Enough to show me that he cares. Enough to show me that it’s nothing I can do. Enough to show me he loves me.

I hope so.
Because that is what I am clinging to.

He is able to heal. And he will. If not here on this earth, then definitely in heaven.
Because he is powerful, still answers prayers and miracles are all around me.


Becky Bakes said...

Girl...I'm crying right here with you when I read these posts sometimes. Do know that god is working through you because sometimes the things you say on here are just what I needed to hear on my tough days! Thinking of you all!!!!

The 5 Rohrers said...

Awesome words, Sabrina. Hard ones, but awesome. Our God is awesome! Our God can heal! And I'll be an optimist for you!

Michele said...

Even when it hurts - like now - it is still true: God is good. Your reality does not change that. You know I've done some begging, too. And I am an optimist, but the waiting. The waiting can be so hard.

Praying about the referral appt. Wisdom. Grace. Thanking God that Joseph has that opportunity.
Miss you.

Sab Mad said...

Oh, Becky! You are too sweet. Thanks for the encouragement, friend!

Kel - SO thankful fo your optimism. And for your words. And for your prayers. Really, just for you!!

M - Mercy, my friend, I love you. Love. You.

Toby and Rebecca said...

Wow. Isn't it so like God to use the little ones around us to bring us to our knees in understanding of His grace and mercy? In fact, isn't that the irony of Christmas that we are all about to celebrate? We're still praying with you for a miracle and hope you continue to feel the love and prayers surround you.

SaraSeashell said...

Oh, Sabrina...crying as I write this...and will continue to pray.

Stephen Sample said...

You blow my mind, girl. We love you. Steve and Tobi