Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Soli Deo gloria


Boy, have I had lot of it over the past couple of months.

First I blamed it on Joseph being gone, at what some would call an important time in our lives – moving! Then I blamed it on the move. Then on being homeless. Then the adjustment of the move. Then on having boxes all over my house from the move. Then on moving to a new place and knowing NO ONE.

Seriously, here we are 7 weeks later and by golly the move is over and it is time for me to MOVE ON. Mercy.

Honestly, though, I have been a mess. Easily irritable, grouchy, complaining, frustrated, angry, overwhelmed, unhappy, full of anxiety, sad, lonely, depressed, miserable…basically a mess. And because I’m feeling that way, it has rubbed off on the whole posse. Because rivers flow south. Or something like that.

I’m having a hard time. And I have no idea why. My life is so blessed. I have a husband who loves me so much and would do anything for me, I four gorgeous and healthy kiddo’s, I live in a beautiful place, I’ve been spending time with Jesus, I don’t have to work, don’t struggle financially, I’m healthy… So what is the problem?

The problem is that I’m not content. With what I have, with who I am, with…everything.

I’m not patient enough.
I don’t homeschool (even though I don’t want to!)
I’m not smart enough.
I don’t remember people’s birthdays.
I’m not thoughtful enough.
My kids aren’t as well behaved as…
I’m not thin enough.
I don’t cook well or enough.
My house is messier than…
I don’t have a job (even though I don’t want one!)

I wish I had a bigger house.
I wish my kids were better behaved.
I wish I had the three new pair of running shoes that Zappo’s is teasing me with.
I wish I had clothes that were more fashionable.
I wish I parented like so and so.
I wish I looked like so and so.
I wish I was as creative as so and so.
I want, I want, I want.
I wish, I wish, I wish.
And on.
And on.
And on.


One of my FAVORITE things about parenting is how God reveals so much about who we are and who He is through being a parent.

Caleb is my child that had issues with contentment. I want a new BMX bike, I want new trucks for my skateboard, I want new skateboard, I want new Vans, I want a new DC hat, I want a new ramp, I want an IPAD, I want a IPOD, I want…I want…I want. He wants what everyone else has. He wants to be like everyone else. Because he’s not content with who he is and what he has.

UGH. J was so irritated with him and I was so frustrated with him. We started in on the lecture about its sinful to covet what other have and not be content. God created us to be original and we need to be thankful for all that He has given us. It’s going to be a hard life ahead if we can’t learn to be content… He wasn’t really listening, was definitely angry, definitely had a bad attitude and definitely had a hard heart.

And then I realized – this is me.

In a small body, more blatant and obvious, but me. Angry, bad attitude, hardened heart and more.

One of my most favorite peeps in the world came to visit me during the height of my sadness. She recommended that I write daily what I am thankful for. Small things and big. I used that idea with Caleb and challenged him to start listing all the things he was thankful for.
And you know what. His heart softened. Almost immediately. Because it’s hard to be angry, resentful and unhappy when you look at all you’ve been given. By God’s grace alone.

I recently read a devotional on 2 Samuel 7:18

18 Then King David went in and sat before the LORD, and he said:
“Who am I, Sovereign LORD, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?

The Author of the devotional (Chuck Swindoll) says:
"It's important that every once in a while we sit down, take a long look at our short lives, and count our blessings. Who are we to have been protected from the rains that fell and the strong winds that destroyed regions, leaving hundreds homeless? Who are we that He has blessed our house and kept it safe? Warm in the winter . . . cool in the summer. Who am I, Lord, that You should give me health and strength to be able to hold a job or pursue this career or get this degree? Or to have parents who have encouraged me? Or to have these great kids and to see them grow? Who am I?"

Who am I, Lord, that I should be so blessed to walk along this rich, amazing path? Left to my own devices, I should be strung out on drugs or living with some random person who is abusive or living in fear, guilt and shame. But by your grace alone, I am who I am, where I am today. Who am I, Lord, that you would love me so much?

So I’m not the greatest wife, mother, friend, cook, housekeeper, teacher, shopper, blogger, anything… But, by His grace alone, I am who I am. And He will work good in me and from me. By His grace alone.

I’m going to start my 100 Days of Thanks here, right now.
Day 1:
I’m thankful for my Michele – whose lake in her backyard could be filled with my tears that she has helped wipe away. My Michele, who is my ‘safe’ person that I can tell anything to because I know she will love me inspite of it. My Michele, who challenges me and inspires me to be the person that God created me to be. My Michele, who I look up to and love with my whole heart. M, thank you for sharing, teaching, loving, holding and praying me through some of the hardest times in my life. I love you, friend.


Lauren said...

Hey Sabrina,

This is a really well written post. It strikes a cord in my heart because I am feeling the same way right now. We just got back from a wonderful vacation visiting my family and now I'm having the back to real life blues. Having someone around all the time, being at home, and beautiful weather spoiled us. Now we're back in the heat of Texas, stuck indoors, and Nate's long work hours. It's so easy to complain which ends up being a slippery slope for me because the more I complain the more upset I feel. And honestly, I have nothing to complain about. I am so blessed. Thanks for the post, it's comforting to hear that I'm not alone in my discontent.

And may I suggest a book that might interest you, "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann VosKamp. The writer challenges herself to list one thousand things she's thankful for in her everyday life. The book is written as a poem and it beautiful. It might be encouraging as you begin your list.

I hope you're day is great today, :)

Michele said...

Sweet friend,
I do love you, I do value you, I do delight in you. And you know this: But somehow God does all these things MORE.

ps Fabulous book recommended by Lauren, I have read it to!