It's my special day!

Today is my adoption birthday! 31 years ago today my mom and dad picked me up from an orphanage and brought me home. I was a little less then 3 months old, so don't remember anything other than the stories that my mom and dad still tell me.

I never remember being told that I was adopted, I just always knew. One of my earliest memories is being told that I was special because I was born into my mom's heart (told to me by my mama with lots of tears and adoration - and still is told to me often by her!). Another early memory I have, of the whole adoption thing, is a book that they used to read to me about a little girl who was adopted and how much her parents love her. She was cute, went to the zoo and got ice cream. Seemed good to me! My adoption has always been a positive thing and I thank my parents for handling it so well and giving me nothing but good memories about it.

Every year, from as far back as I can remember, we have celebrated my "Adoption Birthday" the same as if it were my actual birthday. That was super cool as a kid to have 2 birthday's and get gifts twice.

I have never been bothered by the fact that I am the only one in my family that is adopted. We never made it a secret, but I wasn't ever treated any less by anyone in my family or made to feel like I wasn't any more important than my siblings. I thought it was cool that I was adopted. And that was really the only thoughts that I have had about it until I got pregnant with Caleb.

I distinctly remember the first time that I felt him move. Prior to that I'm not sure that the pregnancy felt real. But once he kicked me, I immediately fell in love with that child. He was real, mine and I loved him so much. After feeling those thoughts, my next thought was about my birth mom. How amazing she must have been to carry me in her belly, feel me move and love me enough to want something more for me. Joseph held me that night as I cried tears for my birth mom. You can't carry someone in your womb and not become attached to that little being. And then to have to part ways with them and never know what happened - I just can't imagine anything more difficult. And that broke my heart for her. It was the first time I had thought about it from her point of view and the first time I had considered how hard that must have been for her.

I don't know anything about her and have never tried to find any information. Occasionally I think about it, but you just never know about those kind of things. She may have moved on and doesn't want to go back to that place in her life. Maybe she's married and her new husband knows nothing about the adoption. It's funny, when I was little I would sometimes think about it and wonder if maybe she was a queen somewhere and lived in a palace. Maybe... But probably not.

The one thing about my adoption that bothers me is that I don't know much about my nationality or any hereditary issues. And when I was a kid, although people always said I looked like my mom or brother, I always wanted to have someone that was blood related to me and looked like me. And after I had Luke, I saw lots of me (from my baby pictures) in that kid. That was super fun! To finally have people in my life that were blood related to me was an interesting feeling. An exciting feeling. A 'full circle' moment.

Lovey dislikes my adoption birthday. Okay, he doesn't dislike - he's jealous. Very jealous. He wants presents. Too bad, so sad, I tell him. You are not adopted! And after 7 years, one would think that he would remember when it is, but they would be wrong. He never remembers. This year was no exception. And instead of knowing that he would forget, then waiting all day (knowing that he has forgotten!) and then being mad because he forgot my special day - I just decided not to play the game this year and I reminded him last night. Yeah, I figure year 7 is the year that we I stop playing those games. (Lovey will be thrilled to read that!) Of course last night when I told him, he had forgotten and was glad that I reminded him.

Today he got off work before noon and came home with a very fun surprise:

It is the ring that I have been wanting for a long time!! It's called the 'Mother's Love Ring' and it is made by my favorite jeweler! In my little world, this gift makes up for the last 6 years of forgetting.

Lovey also had the boys sign my card and it was fun talking to them about my adoption. Caleb knows I'm adopted and I have explained what that means to him. Today, though, I also reminded him that he is adopted too! I asked him if he knew how to be adopted in God's family. It opened up a great dialogue for Joseph and I to have with Caleb about God's love for him. Then Luke was so cute - he said he wanted to be adopted by God too!! Love it!!

Our big theological moment was abruptly ended when the boys decided it was time to play "Goldfish" (Go Fish)! A great ending to my special day!


Side note: When I was a kid, my brother used to try to make me mad by telling me that mom and dad weren't my real mom and dad and that nobody wanted me and that's why they gave me away. I would retort back, that at least mom got to choose me...she got stuck with him. Oh, brothers...

Oh, the things people say

I love the expression on some people's face when they see my and my little lovies coming. I have seen it all...shock, joy, humor, disgust, annoyance and much more. I've also heard all the little quips...

• "2 sets of twins?" (nope, the boy that is a head taller is five and the other one is 3)
• "You sure have your hands full!" (my hands are full and so is my heart!)
• "Are they twins?" (oh, you mean the 2 babies that are dressed exactly alike, have matching car seats and look alike - yeah, they're twins)
• "2 boys and 2 girls, now you're done." (thank you for that determination.)

But my favorite and I mean absolute favorite is... "Are they all yours?" This one is my favorite because it is usually said when the boys are running circles around me or disobeying. Case in point: I had to go to Walmart this morning before I took the boys to school...

(Before I start that story, I must clarify something first. I am not a morning person. I mean, I am happy in the morning, but unless I went to bed at 8pm, don't wake me up at 5 am and expect me to start my day. I require roughly 9 hours and 1 minute of sleep. Please do not awaken me until I have had that 9 hours and 1 minute. For both our sakes. Also I am rarely out of the house before 10am unless it is to take the boys to school. It is too hard to get all of us moving!)

...I didn't want to go, but had to go. So I tell the boys that we are going to be fast and since there wouldn't be that many people in Walmart, they could run ahead of me. And because they are obedient, run they did. Through the whole store with gusto, speed and noise. So by the time we get to the checkout counter, they are excited (translated: wild). The checkout lady glances up when she hears us coming, then does a double take and stares at us until we are in front of her.

And then says (oh, this is my favorite!!!!) "Wow, are they all yours?" Seriously. Are you serious? Why in the world would I want to bring 4 children, some not mine, to the store at 8 am?

The best was when this lady asked me that twice in Office Max. Luke was totally out of hand and all I was trying to do was buy some paper and ink for the printer. As the boys are fighting, girls fussing and Luke laying on the floor she says, "Are they all yours?" "No, I called a couple of my friends and asked them if their kids were really wild and disobedient because I wanted to take them to Office Max if they were."

Joseph says that I take these things way too seriously and should just ignore the comments. Smile and be gracious...2 more things that I'm not that good at. Good thing God is giving me lots of practice.

Show me your glory

I love being a mama. It's funny, I was telling a friend a couple of weeks ago that I never had dreams of getting married and becoming a mom. I have friends, who from the time they could remember, dreamed of what their wedding would look like, how many kids they would have and loved the whole idea of growing up to fulfill those dreams.

That was not the case with me. I never really thought about having kids and definitely had no plans on marrying. I wanted to be a missionary and travel the world. Kids & marriage were not in the plans. Full time ministry was.

But, isn't it funny how God's plan for our life can be so different from the ones that we have? Never in a million years would I have believed that I would have 4 gorgeous kids and an awesome, loving husband in the military. This amazing life that I lead now is more surprising than anything I could have dreamed! More surprising and so much more incredible.

And while I love my life and feel so blessed to be able to stay at home with my babies, I still have dreams of ministry. Today I finished my training at a local crisis pregnancy center and am now qualified to be a volunteer counselor. Teen pregnancy is something that is very close to my heart and being a counselor at a crisis pregnancy center is something that I have been wanting to do for years.

I'm not really sure how this is going to fit into my life right now. While Lovey is graduating from med. school in less than 2 months, his hours are not going to be getting any better. In fact, his first year of residency will be the worst hours yet. With that said, I feel like God was calling me to this training and I stepped out in faith and did it. And now I have no idea what will come of it.

Last week, at our church's Easter egg hunt, my Pastor approached me about starting up a MOPS (Mother's of Preschoolers) group at our church. Again, MOPS is another ministry that is super close to my heart and one that I have been involved with for the past 5 years. I would love to see more MOPS groups in our area, but once again I have no idea how I would fit that in my life. But, I'm willing to step out in faith if God calls me.

Many moms believe that while our children are young they are our main ministry. And while I agree with that, for me personally, I also feel called to other ministry outside of my family. But I'm also very aware that I need to be realistic in how much I can do without stressing us all out and without missing these sweet moments in my babies lives.

Joseph is incredible supportive of all of this. I left for my training this morning at 9am and didn't get home until after 5pm. When I got home he had the house looking immaculate, the kids were all happy, the table was set and dinner was in the oven. He always says that he feels like one of the ways that he serves God is by helping me with all my different ministries. We have a ladies bible study at our house every other week and the night before our study Joseph helps me get ready, straightens up the house and has even been known to clean the bathroom for the ladies coming over. He's excited for the opportunities I have to love on others and is willing to support me in whatever way he can.

There are lots of good things, but what I need to figure out is what is God's best for my life? Our Pastor recently encouraged us to pray Exodus 33:18 for our lives. I did. And I can't wait to see what happens!



"Then Moses said, 'Now show me your glory.'"
Exodus 33:18

We're growing up

Well, it's done. Over. No more. Today is the first day in 10 months that I woke up and didn't nurse a baby (or two!). It was weird. And now it's official. The girls are weaned.

Yesterday, I awoke with the intent of not nursing the girls. Then I had a meltdown. In the closet at 7:15am. I had to call my bff to talk me through my drama.

I am overwhelmed by how fast my kids are growing up. And it's funny because for the past 5 years I have been hurrying them along. I couldn't wait for them to get older to get out of some phase that they were going through. And now that they are getting older, I want time to stop. And therein lies my drama.

The thought of weaning the girls has been a difficult one for me. Listen people, I'm not a le leche league spokesperson and to be honest have never loved nursing children. But, there is something different about knowing that this is the last time that you will ever nurse a baby. It seems so final. And brings a reality that this, also, is the last time that I will ever have 10 month old babies. And that's the thought that makes me want to make the clock stand still for a while.

So yesterday morning, I decided to nurse for the last time. And I listened, with a heart full of love and adoration, to those adorable grunting and gulping noises that they make when nursing. I talked to them, watched them and enjoyed every last minute of my time with them.

And now it is over. Well, the nursing part is over. The engorged, painful boobies have just begun. But I will spare you having to hear all that drama!

Calm before the storm...

Caleb has been de-lish-us the past couple of days! Just delightful. And boy, has it made this house so peaceful and my mothering job much easier. So much easier. It's not just his behavior that has changed, it's his heart. He's not just obedient, but also has a desire to obey. I love the behavior change, but the heart change is so much sweeter and brings such joy to my heart.

I wish that I could say that this was going to be a permanent change but I know, from experience, that it's not. He will at some point and for some length of time go back to being more challenging, but for now I will bask in this cool shower of God's grace. This weary mom needs it. And I love how Father knows that.

I have been reading this book about the Spirited Child and so far have really liked it. It's a new perspective on my sweet boy's personality. It's funny, I have lots of friends who have these young children who are under three and they have already labeled them "strong-willed". I always find that humorous because they are 2 or 3...that is there job. To figure out their boundaries, test the rules and learn who's boss. Those things don't define strong-will, they define the trying-two's and teachable-three's. Labels at that age bother me. I like how this book labels my boy as "spirited". And now that he's about to be six, I feel like it's safe to give him a label. I'm just not planning on telling him he has one!

I have been thinking about how the exhausting part of the "spirited" child isn't behavior, but attitude. It's not that he's "bad" or even "naughty". Those things can be trained out of a child. It's that he's defiant and challenges my authority on everything. He's intense, intelligent, and perceptive. It is our job to channel these things and teach sweet boy how to handle them. And once we have - the sky is the limit on what this child will be able to accomplish. He's an amazing little boy.



And that is why I believe that during these exhausting times, in this journey called motherhood, that God is faithful and knows that there are moments when I could use a shower of grace to give me hope and push me forward. As mother's, we don't always get to see the fruit of our labor. In fact, very little we do ever feels complete or finished. Especially as the mother of young children, we don't often get to feel the satisfaction of a finished product...a job well done. We have to rely on faith and prayer. And what a great place to be.



I read this quote today and thought it amazing...

"I have held many things in my hands

and have lost them all; but whatever

I have placed in God's hands,

that I still possess."

~ Martin Luther

News Flash

Here is a bit of exciting news...2 months from today is Lovey's graduation from medical school!!!! The end is so close and that is amazing to me! Absolutely amazing. I remember when we started medical school and 4 years seemed sooo long. We laughed about how Caleb would be almost six! when Joseph would graduate. Time has flown by.

In other exciting news...I am weaning the girlfriends this week!!!! The time has finally come. It really is so bittersweet. I was reminiscing with my bff today about the first couple of months of nursing the twinkies. I honestly wasn't sure how long I would last after mastitis, thrush and then there was the 45 min. nursing drama! I am so thankful that I stuck with it and pushed through the pain. And now that it is almost over, there is a tiny part of me that will miss it! Just a tiny part of me! The rest of me is thrilled that it is over. They are getting harder to nurse - crawling off, playing with each other's hair and face, being easily distracted by anything (especially Daddy and Caleb's voices) and then the final straw...Ella has been biting me with her razor sharp teeth. Last night I yelped in pain and scared her. I made her cry and scared her so much, that she wouldn't nurse anymore. I felt bad, but it REALLY hurt! Really bad!

I went to the gym for the first time in a while today and am currently sitting in a very quiet house. The girls are napping and Gi-Gi has the boys at Chuck E Cheese. She and Aunt Amy spent the morning doing crafts with the kids. Last night Gi-Gi made dinner and helped me make freezer meals. And read to the kids and ran to the store for me and...I wish she could move in! It is a great treat for me this week since the kids are out of school and Joseph's hours are terrible this week! God's timing is fab!!

Well, I guess that is all for today. Tomorrow is the big 10 month birthday and I, as usual, will have my update on their little lives.

A little pat on the back!

I have told you many times (here, here, or here are just a few) about what a mess I am as a mama, but rarely feel like I have moments to report to you where I shine. Welll, as of yesterday, I have one!

Luke is 3 1/2 years old as sucks a pacifier. I don't love it, but haven't felt the need to fight the battle to get rid of it either. I tell him periodically that when he turns 4 he will be a big boy and have to give his "passy" to some babies that need it. Other than that though, I haven't really pushed the issue. The only rule that I set up for his pacifier is that it must stay confined to his bed. He isn't allowed to roam around the house with it. The pacifier wasn't a battle that I was interested in fighting and figured that at some point he would get rid of it on his own.

And that time came yesterday. When he got home from school yesterday he went to his room with his pacifier and after nap when he came out he told me, "I want to give my passy to the babies." I was veryyyy skeptical, but said "okay". He was insistent that we cut his passy off (we had tied it to his blanket after we got sick of being awoken in the night to find his pacifier because he couldn't find it!) right then and there and give it to them. I was now shocked! But I cut it off and put it on a high shelf in the pantry room, sure that he would ask for it when he went to bed.

He didn't. And hasn't mentioned it since.

It was that easy. And I am so glad that I didn't have to do anything, that it was his decision. I am also thankful that I made the decision to give him some time. I love it when I make a good decision as a mom!

Way more than you are really interested in hearing about...

I have been keeping a secret from you... And I'm only going to tell you if you promise to stand up and applaud my efforts. Are you standing? Okay, here goes..I've lost 10 pounds since New Years!! Are you so excited for me or what?! And because I am a perpetual pessimist (so my Lovey calls me "pp", but I pretend it means pretty princess...) I must also tell you that I still have 23 pounds to go. So close, yet so far away.

So, have you ever tried Nabisco's 100 calorie pack? Well, let me tell you that they are gooood! And absolutely perfect for after a meal, when I am desperate for some chocolate and can't have Reese peanut butter cups. Only problem...when you eat 3 packages in one sitting, they are no longer 100 calorie packs. FYI. Most of you probably already figured that out. It took me a little while.

This morning I took care of my friend Kellie's kids. Oh yeah baby, all-by-myself! Me and SIX kids hangin' out on a Saturday morning. I was all talkin' it up in my head, to Joseph, about how I could handle two more. Oh yeah baby. Sab Mad - mother to six! Not only was I taking care of 6 kids, I changed 7 poopy diapers, fed everyone breakfast and lunch, mopped my kitchen and the entry floors, vacuumed the entire house, cleaned the fridge out and did 2 loads of laundry. Can I get an Amen super mom?!

As my inner dialogue was high fiven', chest bumping and acting like I just finished a triathlon, it all came crashing down and reality set in... Luke locked Titan Dog in my bedroom and I couldn't get the door opened, the girls started screaming bloody murder, the little kids escaped out the back and the neighbor kid told Caleb that Titan was going to die if we didn't call the police, so he was unrelentingly begging me to dial 911. All that coupled with the fact that I told Love last night that I made the executive decision to hire cleaning people to come and clean this house every other week because I am overwhelmed... Yeah, he's not letting me have anymore. Wise man.

I told 2 of my friends to drop off their kids because I was already watching Kellie's kids and would be home. And they just laughed at me. Seriously, people think I'm crazy when I offer to watch their kids, but it's really not a big deal. After you have 3 (not that I know this for sure since I only had 3 for 3 minutes), okay maybe 4, what is one more? Or 2 more, or 3 more... And sometimes it's easier because 1 other child in the house breaks up the drama that the boys have. Maybe I should open a daycare?... THAT would be crazy.

I will survive!

Alrighty people, after mucho tears today I am feeling quite a bit better. I needed a good throw-myself-on-the-floor-so-I-can-kick-scream-rant-and-rave about how hard my life is currently. And now I am glad to move on pass that moment. I know that I'm not completely out of the funk, but I'm at least on the other side.

We really should have expected this. We went from Joseph working 8 hours a week to him being gone 60 hours a week. That is an adjustment. He is so helpful around here and works hard so that I don't have to. He helps me out with everything. So, when he is gone his presence is missed. By all of us.

So we are back to reality and I need to focus on the bright side of things. He isn't deployed. He isn't gone all the time like he has been for the past year and a half. He isn't pulling call this month. He doesn't have to study during the limited time he is home.

And, I've done all this by myself for weeks at a time. I can do it. I need to stop doubting myself and be a big girl. I have 4 gorgeous kiddos, that are a lot of work and exhausting at times. But they are also funny, bring me so much joy and show me lots of grace. And when Joseph is gone he is praying for me.