Friday, February 01, 2008

When you have a blog one of the hard things to figure out is what is too much information to share with your readers? It's easy to share your cute pictures, funny stories and the "perfectly happy" side of your life with people, but does anyone really want to know the darker side? And if so, is it because they truly care or is it more out of curiosity like rubber-necking. Rubber-necking is easy because you don't have to emotionally invest yourself in someone's troubles. You can look from afar and be glad that it isn' t you. For me, the beauty of my blog is that it really doesn't matter to me if you want to rubberneck on my journey in life. It's hard for me to be fake and smile when life is hard. And life is hard right now.

My dad tried to kill himself in the wee hours of yesterday morning... My step-mom filed for a divorce and I guess he couldn't handle that. There is really so much more involved...isnt' there always? I could try to psycho analyze him and the whole situation, but won't. I stopped doing that many, many years ago and accepted the fact that he loves me in his own way and I have to find love and acceptance in my heavenly Father. Okay, maybe I haven't fully accepted that, but I'm trying.

I wish that I could say I have no idea why someone would want to kill themselves, but I can't. 13 years ago I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol in an attempt to go to sleep and not wake up. I felt rejected, hopeless and weary. Very weary. I had my stomach pumped, spent days in the hospital and many days with a shrink and then started a downward spiral into a whole other life. A shrink couldn't help me, medicine couldn't help me and I hadn't encountered The One who could. So I spent years running from the pain and when I could no longer run I dulled the pain.

So, as mad as I am at my dad, I understand his selfishness. I had a brief moment of depression, my dad has had a lifetime. I have been blessed beyound measure; God has placed amazing people in my life that He has used to change me and show me His character and love. I am no longer the person that I was 10 years ago. My dad has not been so fortunate. He has not met the Abba that I know. And I don't even know the full measure of God's character. Not even close.

I do pray that one day my dad has an encounter like I had or like Paul (Acts 9) had and that it changes him from the inside out. It's hard for me to say that because it is hard for me to imagine that he could ever change. But, do I believe that God is who he says that he is? I do. And if not for the prayers of my mother, would I be who I am today? Probably not. And if that's not conviction enough, I don't know what is??

7 comments:

Sincerely Anna said...

Wow. I'm speechless as to what to write here. I'm so sorry and I will pray for your dad. This was a powerful post and I appreciate that you see blogging as a way to share about the dark times in your life and from where Jesus Christ has redeemed you. No one is too far out of his reach and I pray that your dad receives the same Love that you've found. You must be going through a lot of hurt today - you will be in my prayers.

The 4 Rohrers said...

Wow, Sabrina, your post literally floored me and just got off my knees, having prayed for your family and the emotional turmoil you all feel and for your dad, that the Lord will reveal himself to him in such a mighty way in this dark time that your dad cannot deny him! Thank you for being so real and allwoing our Lord to be seen through you! Big Hugs!

Jen said...

Sabrina,

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I, too, struggle with depression and can relate to you in regards to finding the Lord. I will keep your father in prayer that he will come to know the Lord and you in prayer that you will be strong through this time.

Love, Jen

Anonymous said...

Your transparency brings prayers for your dad. Your sacrifice for him, a gift. I'm praying for wisdom for you as you talk with him.
miss you,
Michele

Anonymous said...

Sabrina -
Your family is in my prayers. In times of uncertainty, my Grandma taught me to always remember the words of Proverbs 3:5-6. Somehow, in many different situations, they have always brought comfort.
Take care,
Rachel

Cloughamily said...

My dear, sweet friend, Sabrina,
I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I know how frightening and maddening it can be. I experienced a similar situation with my own dad when I was 11...I was in the house at the time. My heart aches for you and your dad. It is my earnest prayer that he would experience true peace through Jesus Christ, and that Abba would comfort you during this heartbreaking experience. I am thankful for the testimony that Father has given to you. And thank you for your vulnerability and genuineness through your blogging. I am always encouraged. I love you, dear Sister.

Blessings,
Erinn

meier said...

My dearest friend,

You are truly amazing sweet lady and are such an inspiration in your faith and love for OUR Lord! We love you and your family so much and we will pray for your dad that he too will seek what he is missing in life.

Love you!
Amy'rie