When you have a blog one of the hard things to figure out is what is too much information to share with your readers? It's easy to share your cute pictures, funny stories and the "perfectly happy" side of your life with people, but does anyone really want to know the darker side? And if so, is it because they truly care or is it more out of curiosity like rubber-necking. Rubber-necking is easy because you don't have to emotionally invest yourself in someone's troubles. You can look from afar and be glad that it isn' t you. For me, the beauty of my blog is that it really doesn't matter to me if you want to rubberneck on my journey in life. It's hard for me to be fake and smile when life is hard. And life is hard right now.
My dad tried to kill himself in the wee hours of yesterday morning... My step-mom filed for a divorce and I guess he couldn't handle that. There is really so much more involved...isnt' there always? I could try to psycho analyze him and the whole situation, but won't. I stopped doing that many, many years ago and accepted the fact that he loves me in his own way and I have to find love and acceptance in my heavenly Father. Okay, maybe I haven't fully accepted that, but I'm trying.
I wish that I could say I have no idea why someone would want to kill themselves, but I can't. 13 years ago I swallowed a bottle of Tylenol in an attempt to go to sleep and not wake up. I felt rejected, hopeless and weary. Very weary. I had my stomach pumped, spent days in the hospital and many days with a shrink and then started a downward spiral into a whole other life. A shrink couldn't help me, medicine couldn't help me and I hadn't encountered The One who could. So I spent years running from the pain and when I could no longer run I dulled the pain.
So, as mad as I am at my dad, I understand his selfishness. I had a brief moment of depression, my dad has had a lifetime. I have been blessed beyound measure; God has placed amazing people in my life that He has used to change me and show me His character and love. I am no longer the person that I was 10 years ago. My dad has not been so fortunate. He has not met the Abba that I know. And I don't even know the full measure of God's character. Not even close.
I do pray that one day my dad has an encounter like I had or like Paul (Acts 9) had and that it changes him from the inside out. It's hard for me to say that because it is hard for me to imagine that he could ever change. But, do I believe that God is who he says that he is? I do. And if not for the prayers of my mother, would I be who I am today? Probably not. And if that's not conviction enough, I don't know what is??