Big struggle: How do I live in the world without becoming worldly? I'm not sure where middle ground lies. My pendulum swings back and forth and has found no middle ground. I want to sell all my belongings, move to a country where I would live on dirt floors and help, teach and love on the poor. That's how I feel on Monday. By Wednesday, I am trying to figure out how to get Joseph a flat screen TV for graduation, get the girlie's summer wardrobe from Gymboree and sign the boys up for every activity under the sun. Excess.
As I look around my house all I see is excess. Yet, I still want more. Bigger, newer, better. And then the guilt sets in and the pendulum swings back to "let's sell everything and move". I hate that about myself. And I hate that is what I am teaching my children.
This is only going to get harder. Joseph makes less money now than he will ever make again. How many people can say that? Obviously anything can happen, but assuming that he remains healthy, then we are now making less than we ever will again. Not only are we making less, our pay will just continue to increase - significantly over the next 3 years. And that scares me. I don't want to keep up with the Jones's (or is it Joneses?). I want to go to my friends big houses, admire that are decked out in Pottery Barn and Crate and Barrel, and come home to my Target crib and feel grateful for what I have. I don't want catalogs coming to my house enticing me to covet. I want to be thankful for my small, yet comfy house that is lived in. And learn to be okay with the fact that I don't have the nicest, newest - stuff. Because I am blessed with what I do have. And it's good to want. If I didn't want, then I wouldn't have to learn what it is to be content.
And I think that's where my pendulum needs to stop. Maybe middle ground is contentment. God saw fit to give me four gorgeous kids, an amazing hubby with an exciting career ahead of him and a desire to love on the poor and broken. I need to find opportunities around me to fulfill my desires. I need to learn to love living within our means and be thankful for all the blessings that Father has showered on me!
I'm a strugglin' with these things and I'm thankful for that. And I'm thankful for friends to share my struggles with. Thanks for the pep-talk y'all!