Yesterday was crazy. The boys had school, the girls had a doctors appt., we were going to leave for a quick trip to visit family...and then were stopped in our tracks with a phone call we received on our way to the doctors visit.
My good friend called to say that a woman, who was in our couples bible study that Lovey and I attended over the summer, had committed suicide on Tuesday. She was this young woman (mid 30's) who attended our church, has 2 little girls (ages 6 & 9), homeschooled, seemed happy and showed no visible signs of anything. Her little girls found her dead.
I was (and still am) shocked and speechless. So many thoughts were going through my mind. She seemed so normal. What? How did this happen? Why? I just saw her in church. Those poor kids. How obnoxiously selfish to kill yourself knowing that your kids would be the ones to find you. Why? Her poor husband. This is unbelievable. Wow. Those poor little girls. Why? How awful to be in such pain and have no one to talk to. Why?
My good friend that was calling me was asking if I would come to the funeral that was going to be held in a couple of hours. She had been keeping this woman's children while the husband was making funeral arrangements. She said the girls seemed to be in denial. I just kept thinking that I would be to. I told her I would be at the funeral, got off the phone and Lovey and I prayed.
Getting ready for the funeral and on the way there, I was nervous and had no idea what to expect. I had only been to 2 funerals and they were both older grandparents for whom death seemed to be lingering close for some time. Funerals like that you are just glad to see them out of pain and no longer suffering. I didn't feel that way about this funeral. We sat in the back because we had to bring the girls with us and I kept thinking I was thankful that I couldn't see this woman's husband or girls sitting in the front row. We sang songs about God's awesomeness and I just cried thinking I'm not sure if I would be able to utter those words about a Father who I love so much if I were in her husbands shoes. I just don't know that I could. Admitting that is hard and makes me feel less of a Believer.
Our Pastor gave an amazing talk. One of the questions I kept asking myself all day was, how in the world our Pastor would make this into a day to give glory to God and have joy in the situation. A situation I could find no joy in. Looking back, I'm not sure that I walked away with joy, but definitely hope.
Our Pastor addressed the 2 big thoughts that I, and I'm sure everyone else, was having. He talked about the "why's?" in this terrible situation. Point one: we aren't supposed to have the answer to every question we have. That wouldn't require faith. He also pointed out that we all have 2 sides. One that everyone see's and one that is deep down and not shared with many, if any, others. We all have places that are deep and dark. Hers got the best of her. She was imperfect here and had darkness. She is now in a place lit with the radiance of our Father and perfected. Glory be to God! Point two: the "what if's?" I just talked to this lady on Sunday. I said, "Hi (name), how are you?" "Good" was her reply. I look back now. How did she say "good"? Did I miss something? How could she be "good" on Sunday and kill herself on Tuesday? My good friend that called me was saying that she noticed this lady pulling away. What if she would have invited her over for lunch? What if, what if, what if...? Our Pastor said that Mary and Martha asked our Savior that very same question (John 11). If Lazarus hadn't died we wouldn't have seen Jesus perform his most amazing miracle of all. God holds the power over life and death. We were created so that God could be glorified. To Him be the glory for this lady's life and to him be the glory in her death.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that. To Him be the glory. My life was created for His glory. My death will also be for His glory.