Thursday, April 24, 2008

So much to say, so little time

I have had all these little witty blogging posts running around in my head, but so little time to pull them out of the abyss and onto the computer. I have a feeling that is going to be the case for the next month or so.

Have you ever had the feeling that the chaos around you is building and at any moment you will lose control? That is the way I feel these days. I am overwhelmed with all the things that there are to do in the next month. I am holding on for dear life, but at any moment the chaos tornado will leave my grasp and... I have no idea what will happen. I've never gotten to that point, but this time I may. There are so many big life changes that it is really hard to process them all.

Last night it occurred to me that today is Lovey's last day of work as a medical student. This has been the most wonderful month yet! He has had 3 three-day-weekends! And is home by 3pm at the very latest. (Why can't he find a job like that?!) It has been delicious. But this is SO not reality and his schedule will never be this good again.

Next year is "the hardest year" according to everyone. Next year he begins his 3 years of residency. And for some reason I keep thinking that after residency, then his schedule will be so great. But I was hit with reality last night that it won't. He hasn't been eligible to deploy over the past 4 years and still won't be for the next 3, but after that... And Emergency Medicine Doctors are among the most deployed. And that is reality.

But, I knew that going into all this. It just seemed like a long time away. But so did the end of med school and it is now here.

So yeah, I'm sad about that and then very stressed out about this trip. Seriously people, 3 days in a car with 4 kids... Not to mention the amount of "stuff" that we need for those aforementioned 4 kids, for 3 weeks of traveling!!! It makes my head spin! And I'm typically NOT an anxious person!! Why am I having all this anxiety?! I'll tell you why. We rode in the car yesterday for 35 minutes (in traffic) with my four sweet babies and by the time that we arrived to our destination, I was exhausted. I seriously believe that my boys are the loudest children on earth. And they are teaching the girls their skills.

The other things that have me all melancholy are the Beauties first birthday and Caleb starting kindergarten. On my way home from the doctors yesterday, I was thinking about the first day that I drop Caleb off at school and started crying. I am so excited for him and feel like our decision about sending him to school is the right one for our family. I think he is going to love it. I'm just sick of everyone growing up. Caleb and I danced in the living room together and he is so big that I didn't carry him while we danced - he actually put one arm around my waist and the other in my hand. Those stinkin' tears are coming again...

Oh, mercy. I've got to get a grip here.

The good news is that I have been dreaming that 1 of my teeth continues to fall out. This is good news because I typically dream that all my teeth are falling out. I heard that when you dream about your teeth falling out it means that you feel like you are losing control. For a control freak, that is not a good feeling.

Maybe I should give up control and then it won't bother me when I lose it...hmmmmm...nah.


Sincerely Anna said...

I was just talking to a friend yesterday about tooth dreams but I've never heard of the meaning of those before. My out-of-control dreams are usually of me driving a car or falling over a cliff.

Yeah, you have a big month and all these milestones coming up in your family. I'd feel out of control too! Just take a breath and enjoy the moments (and crank up Burlap to Cashmere so the music can be louder than your kids!)

Sarah said...

Oh, My Goodness, I can totally relate to what you are going thorough. Not the specific circumstances, but the feeling like at any moment, the house of cards will collapse! I've been very anxious lately.

I also have that dream a lot, where my teeth fall out. Apparently, it's one of the most common dreams.