Note to myself

I seriously have a bazillion things to do (don't I always say that?) but my house is so quiet, more quiet than it has been in days (my boys are at school and girlies are napping) and there is this fabulous, much needed rain outside - perfect napping and/or blogging conditions.

I am thrilled that it is raining for many reasons. First, and foremost, I love the rain. We live in a very dry area and it hardly ever rains, which has made me appreciate rain all the more. Our grass was desperate for rain. Desperate.

As I was driving up to my house today, I was thinking that the lawn didn't look too bad. There are other lawns around me that look worse. That was until I got up close for a more accurate inspection and realized that it was bad. Most of the green was weeds and the grass was dry and brittle.

When I thought about it for a moment, I realized that my grass was a perfect analogy for my faith. From afar it doesn't look too bad, especially when I compare it to someone else (isn't that the interesting thing about comparison's? you can always find someone worse off), but up close my faith is dry and brittle.

It's so easy to get to a point where you can talk the talk and things look good on the outside, but when I look into my heart (and I don't even have to look very deep!) there is so much that screams, "Do you really know the power of Jesus?" All the insecurities, self doubt, control, anger, anxieties, perfectionism..yuck! I leave it all at the cross and then a couple of days later go back and retrieve them.

When Joseph is around, life is much easier. Joseph has been around a lot. Since April he has barely worked. In April was super light, in May he didn't work, in June he was home everyday before 2pm and this month he maybe works 40 hours a week. 40 hours a week is hardly working in a world where 80 hours is the norm.

Tomorrow he starts back to the real world. And I am terrified. And sad.

I love my man. He is so helpful around the house and works hard to make life easier on me. It's been so nice having him home every weekend and at night for dinner. We have had so much fun watching the Lost series together (BTW - we are almost at the season finale for season 4!) every night, going to the gym together (he kicks my butt!) and just having family time. All that will change drastically tomorrow and will stay that way for the next 3 years. And I am mourning that. I'm sad, angry and scared.

What if I can't do it by myself? Driving everyone to all their events, taking care of 4 kids by myself, schools, homework, soccer, piano, bible studies, laundry, playgroups, MOPS, church...all on my own. I can't have any expectations that Joseph will help me because when I have expectations, I get angry. It's better to have no expectations.

I am way too reliant and dependant on Joseph and I know it. I always have been and believe it or not, I am getting better and not nearly as obsessed with needing him as I once was.

See what I mean? Dry and brittle. If my heart knew the power of Jesus, I would know that I am not alone. His power is made perfect in my weakness. God alone is the solid rock on which I stand, not Joseph. Joseph isn't supposed to be. My head knows all these things, but my heart is having a hard time keeping up.

And that is why I am not only thankful for the rain outside, but also for this time where God is pouring down His grace to a mama who wants to take a deep drink from living water. And needs a deep drink. And am writing this to look back and remind myself in those hard moments, because there will be hard moments, that the one who will calm my waters, and fill my cup is Christ alone. And not to expect Joseph to do those things. He is a precious gift, but not supposed to be the source of my strength.

So for the love of all, Sabrina, give the man a break! Your expectations are too high and in the wrong place anyway! In Christ alone. Say it to yourself, "In Christ alone." Good girl. Now, stay away from the chocolate!